1. What unconditional love really is - So many times the love we show or give is based on circumstances or convenience, what the other person can do for us, how they treat us. Sometimes it's out of obligation, maybe even sympathy. If you can give me, please me, provide for me, care for me, befriend me, make me laugh, let me win, include me in your inner circle, and on goes the list, I will add you to my list of loved ones. Then let something fall apart, let's completely disagree on something trivial or say things in anger that we don't mean but still hurt each other's feelings; forget to include only me in something special or wait a little too long to come see about me when something's wrong. It's that much easier to reconsider where you rank in my loveds (faves).
I met 12 year old Daniela Wednesday morning. She and Karen were playing on the seesaw. I walked over and asked their names, watched them go up and down a few times. Daniela invited me to take her seat and go a few rounds with Karen. The two of them switched places, and then Karen stood in the middle and "surfed" while Daniela and I made waves. The bell rang, signaling the end of recess; I took a picture of the girls in front of the seesaw, hugged them both before they went back to their classes. Friday afternoon during VBS, we talked about how each of us are God's treasure. I sat behind Daniela, and when told to tell two other people that they were indeed God's treasure, Daniela and I looked each other in the eye and said, she in Spanish and I in English, that she was God's treasure. The day's craft was making necklaces, a piece of treasure, to remind the girls of the priceless treasures they are in God's eyes. I chose a table, sat and helped girls get started on their necklaces, chased beads across the table, tied necklaces around necks, cut strings for the second and third go rounds. From across the room, Daniela comes and slips her necklace around my neck. She came back a little later with a bracelet. Saturday morning we went up to the houses to tell the girls goodbye. And Daniela would not let me go. And I didn't want to let her go either. We sat on the porch for a good 20 minutes, not saying much because I have fabulous Spanish skills, just holding hands and smiling at each other, giggling every now and then.
I couldn't give Daniela anything. I couldn't do anything for her, at least not in the way we normally think of doing something for someone, I couldn't provide for any of her basic needs, not immediately, not the week I was there. I had a hard time talking with her beyond the basics - name, age, favorite color, favorite subject, like to do - because we don't speak each other's primary language. I could sit with her and spend time with her, play with her and laugh with her, hug her. And that was enough. We take a long time to meet and spend time and like and bond and trust and finally love. For her, and the other girls, knowing that I, we, were there for them was enough.
2. I am lovable and worthy of receiving love. This is a hard one for me. Not because anyone's hurt me so much that I feel this way or said these things to me, but because I've believed them about myself. I know the things I've done, the horrible things I've thought, awful things I secretly desire. And because of this, in my eyes, my value is greatly diminished.
It amazed me that God would use a few moments with a couple of teenage girls, speak through them to me, to remind me of His truth, that He doesn't love me any less because of, I'm not disqualified from anything because of...I thought we were there to let Him love these girls through us. Little did I know that He would love us, love me, through them.
3. Be open, with others and with God. Though one thing I desire greatly is a great group of friends to be close to, I have a difficult time moving from "Hello, nice to meet you," to small talk to deeper matters that show I'm approachable and would like to have a meaningful relationship with you. Let's just say I don't give a great first impression. My now friend Scott says he thought I did not like him at all the first time we met; I did not seem as excited as he was that our Texan-ness was common - my replies were short and to the point, and I probably was wearing the disinterested semi-scowl that's commonly on my face. I realized again how distant I can be when, one morning before breakfast (in Guate) while talking to Bobby, Dr. Jim said, sounding very surprised, "She does talk!" And it hit me in the face - I am very closed.
The fact that these girls were willing to sit with us (and let us sit with them), hold our hands, talk with us...to have been through so much and be so trusting is amazing, and it made me understand that if relationship and community is what I desire, I have to be willing to do what it takes to foster that community. That means being open, talking, sometimes being a bit uncomfortable, and being present.
I was really glad that George was one of my teammates, because he walked and talked with me one morning and gave me an opportunity to take a step in that direction and an invitation to take advantage of his listening ear. I'm not sure that much of what I said that morning made sense, I appreciate greatly his patience with my rambling, but it did remind me that life is meant to be shared. We weren't, I was not made to be strong all the time and walk through fire coming out on the other side seemingly unscathed. I was a teenager when someone told me I was one of the strongest people she knew. If only she knew. It's okay and easy to laugh with others, share good times and make good memories. But it's also okay to be broken and admit it, and even ask for help. It's how we heal and grow. And there are definitley some places in me that need to be healed.
Talk to you soon, friend.
