Who Am I? - Part 1

A friend posed this question to me: In the last few weeks, what have you been learning about who you are?

What a loaded question...

I am incredibly loved and madly pursued by God: I've been listening to Tim Keller of Redeemer Presby in NY. One of the messages I've been listening to is about how God is the true bridegroom and what that really means, just the power and intimacy of that relationship and the life-changing possibilities and potency that the understanding brings. The scripture he uses is from Hosea 3 about buying Gomer back. To me, those are tender words, that I break His heart again and again, and yet He still comes after me. When I have bad days, I often think about the future and how I don't want to have to someday explain to my husband that I had a bad day and what that led to. Often when I imagine it, he is hurt to the point of distancing himself from me. And I never argue, don't blame him for feeling that way, actually try to push him away before he has the chance to reject me. I was thinking about it one day, and realized that honestly, I'd want him to forgive me and hold me, not shut me out. That's what God does for me, everyday with everything. And I know I hurt His heart a lot, but He doesn't hurt mine in return. I heard a song last week that I thought said it very well: I am coming back 'cause You are coming after me and I surrender now (Desperation Band).

To Someone, I am precious and cherished and loved: I really saw this when I watched someone I really loved commit to loving someone who wasn't me. And I prayed for much grace and peace and wholeness and really just healing of my heart. And God really came through. I felt His arms around me during that time, and I knew He was near. It was still hard, but I made it. Thinking about it now, it kind of blows my mind that He knows how I felt about him, how there were times when I loved him more than God, and yet, when the rug was fully ripped out from under me, He was there to make sure that I didn't come tumbling down. He didn't say you wanted him, and you can have all the pain and baggage that comes with a broken heart, He didn't laugh at me and tell me that I get to suffer some more; because I asked, He answered with arms wide open, poured out so much love on me...me! Who am I, who in the world am I, that He should tend to me, especially considering how much I try to push Him away.

I am shown much grace everyday, tons of grace. None of which I deserve.

I am not defined by my past unless I let it define who I am. Which I do, a lot of days more than I'd like to admit. Which is probably why victory seems like a foreign concept in my mind.

I am on a journey, going through valleys, climbing mountains, walking through deserts and stopping at springs, all on the way to my destination.