No One Else

I was reminded of something a friend said to me yesterday about being close to someone and yet being a little upset or disappointed when they don't offer you the comfort that you were looking for in a tough moment. Lots of times when I have bad days, I get really...I want to escape and hide from whatever went wrong that day, but I also want someone to listen to me, to ask me what the matter is and tell me everything's going to be okay. Sometimes I get so that I comfort myself in daydreams that someday someone will.

Tonight when I laid down across the bed, curled up under the covers and again wished that I had someone's chest to lean my head against, someone's arms to be wrapped up in, someone's tender voice to be comforted by, I was serenaded by:

When no one else knows how I feel Your love for me is proven real. When no one else cares where I've been You run to me with outstretched hands...

How amazing that He knows and hears my heart. He sees what I never would have told Him about, wouldn't think to bother Him with, and reaches to scoop me up and love on me. He is all together wonderful to me.

And You hold me in Your arms again. - Building 429

Who Am I? - Continued

It's hard to stand on shifting sand. It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night. You can't be free if you don't reach for help. You can't love if you don't love yourself. - Natalie Grant

It's interesting when you hear or read something and see yourself in it, especially when you're just kind of drifting along. Though my favorite is the second verse of this song, most likely because victory has come, I heard myself in the first today.

I am in hiding because if anyone knew who and what I really am (which is no worse or better than what we all are: fallen, living by grace alone, striving for holiness) I would be exposed, shunned and abandoned. That fear makes it that much more difficult to say, "My name is...and I am an.../have a compulsion to.../carry around.../often think of..." What does that mean once it's spoken, deeper than the surface, more than just an admission or confession? What does that say about me?

That brings another question, a more important question, that demands an answer.

Gomer was exposed in the town square before she was bought back by her husband. And the result? "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion..."

I am strong all because of You. I stand in awe of every mountain that You move for I am changed. Yesterday is gone. I am safe from this moment on. There's no fear when the night comes round. I'm in better hands now. - Natalie Grant

I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.

Who Am I? - Part 1

A friend posed this question to me: In the last few weeks, what have you been learning about who you are?

What a loaded question...

I am incredibly loved and madly pursued by God: I've been listening to Tim Keller of Redeemer Presby in NY. One of the messages I've been listening to is about how God is the true bridegroom and what that really means, just the power and intimacy of that relationship and the life-changing possibilities and potency that the understanding brings. The scripture he uses is from Hosea 3 about buying Gomer back. To me, those are tender words, that I break His heart again and again, and yet He still comes after me. When I have bad days, I often think about the future and how I don't want to have to someday explain to my husband that I had a bad day and what that led to. Often when I imagine it, he is hurt to the point of distancing himself from me. And I never argue, don't blame him for feeling that way, actually try to push him away before he has the chance to reject me. I was thinking about it one day, and realized that honestly, I'd want him to forgive me and hold me, not shut me out. That's what God does for me, everyday with everything. And I know I hurt His heart a lot, but He doesn't hurt mine in return. I heard a song last week that I thought said it very well: I am coming back 'cause You are coming after me and I surrender now (Desperation Band).

To Someone, I am precious and cherished and loved: I really saw this when I watched someone I really loved commit to loving someone who wasn't me. And I prayed for much grace and peace and wholeness and really just healing of my heart. And God really came through. I felt His arms around me during that time, and I knew He was near. It was still hard, but I made it. Thinking about it now, it kind of blows my mind that He knows how I felt about him, how there were times when I loved him more than God, and yet, when the rug was fully ripped out from under me, He was there to make sure that I didn't come tumbling down. He didn't say you wanted him, and you can have all the pain and baggage that comes with a broken heart, He didn't laugh at me and tell me that I get to suffer some more; because I asked, He answered with arms wide open, poured out so much love on me...me! Who am I, who in the world am I, that He should tend to me, especially considering how much I try to push Him away.

I am shown much grace everyday, tons of grace. None of which I deserve.

I am not defined by my past unless I let it define who I am. Which I do, a lot of days more than I'd like to admit. Which is probably why victory seems like a foreign concept in my mind.

I am on a journey, going through valleys, climbing mountains, walking through deserts and stopping at springs, all on the way to my destination.