Think on These Things....

God never loses sight of you. He sees where you are. He even knows your name. - Dennis Raney

Do you believe He sees you? In the darkest despair or the strongest storm, the most stifling loneliness, He sees where I am. Even when others don't know, never knew, chose to forget, He knows.

What a mess I've made of my existence. But You love me even now and still I see somehow that You see the real me, hiding in my skin, broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp. There's no need to mask my frailty 'cause You see the real me. - Natalie Grant

If I can't be real with God, who in the world can I be real with? Why hide if He knows and loves me anyways? There's nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.

It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance...

Do we find in His kindness His mercy and realize that we don't deserve it, convicting us and leading us to repentance? Practiced, rehearsed repentance for show and acceptance makes genuine repentance internally questionable, more difficult, confusing, doubtful.

Oh, but I was good. - Shane and Shane

Yeah, but were you good because you felt obligated to be, or were you good because you love Me?

Honesty

Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness. Beauty for ashes, take this heart of stone and make it Yours. - Shane and Shane

My guilt, shame, disobedience, rebellion, depression, loneliness all add to the weight of my heaviness. The more I dwell on my distaste for my situation, use that as an excuse to rebel harder and run farther, am too proud or embarrassed or scared or ashamed to ask forgiveness and grace to try again, the harder, stonier and thornier my heart becomes. Now how much more difficult is it to run to my Father's arms, crawl up in His lap, cry and be truly sorry, truly repentant, truly broken over our distance, over the distance I've created between us? How can I ask to reconcile this relationship?

Could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You? - MercyMe

Relationships constantly change, some for better, some for worse, some to never exist again. Tests come again and again to strengthen, and each time failure seems emminent. The search for the treasure of contentment continues to be futile. Community has never been so lonely. Maybe then, the answer is yes.

What do you believe? What do you choose to believe at this moment? Maybe that's the answer.

But now I will take back the ripened grain and new wine I generously provided each harvest season. I will take away the wool and linen clothing I gave her to cover her nakedness. I will strip her naked in public, while all her lovers look on. No one will be able to rescue her from my hands. I will put an end to her annual festivals, her new moon celebrations, and her Sabbath days - all her appointed festivals. I will destroy her grapevines and fig trees, things she claims her lovers gave her. I will let them grow into tangled thickets, where only wild animals will eat the fruit. I will punish her for all those times when she burned incense to her images of Baal, when she put on her earrings and jewels and went out to look for her lovers but forgot all about me," says the LORD.

Ever wonder if He cares that you hurt? Ever wonder how broken your heart has to be? How lost and tired do I have to be before Love comes back around?

Oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live. - RSB

Listening

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.

All of You, who God is, all of His character, all of His ability, all of His being, all of Him - love, mercy, grace, goodness, providence, holiness, peace, patience, gentleness, tenderness, honesty, reality, justice, the list could go on throughout eternity - is more than enough for all of me - my weakness, frailty, neediness, insecurities, inadequacies, dirty little secrets, worries, my junk, the desires of my heart, my loneliness, heartache, my humanness.

You satisfy me with Your love - satisfaction is found only in You, not in the friends, strangers, movies, music, books, activities, busyness, hobbies I try to fill my life with. I have searched the heights and the darkest depths; everything else leaves me wanting. And what fulfillment, what peace, what comfort and security Your love brings - to know You and be loved is enough.

And all I have in You - salvation, eternal life, peace, joy, hope - is more than enough.

If the above is true, why is it so hard to let You be more than enough, even merely enough, when that is all You want from me - my heart, all of it, to lean on You, trust You, be real with You? When You asked me to let You be more than enough, why I wouldn't let You be more than enough, I was (and today still am) so quick to say, yes, that's what I want too...but I still want x, y and z?

I'm sorry I keep trying to wriggle free from Your embrace. Jesus, rain on me with love until I drown.

I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.

Unbelievable

Is it possible for your thinking to disrupt your peace? Have you ever heard God whisper, "Here it is. This is what I have for you. This is what you've been waiting for," and you respond so thankfully, so excited at first only to dwell on what you still don't have and how this is definitley not what you asked for?

It's pretty crazy to know God still wants my heart after I've slapped Him in the face yet again. I will never understand why God is so good, but I am so glad He is.

You did tell me so, didn't you?

Talk to you soon, friend.

Incredible Love

I am so glad these things are true - completely, absolutely and eternally true.

- God, Jesus, the Spirit loves me. Oh, yes He does.
- In spite of everything I do, all the crap I pull, as hard as I try and run, He loves me.
- His desire is that I would know Him, know the breadth, depth, height and width of His love for me, be captivated by His love and love Him in return.
- He knows exactly how to capture my attention, just what will touch my heart.
- He sees what is in my heart, even when I can't seem to tell Him any of it.
- He is still with me, will call to me when I am in the wilderness, even when I have wandered there in my own foolishness, selfishness and stuborness.

His pursuit of me, His desire for my heart astounds me. Amazing that He knows how to hug my soul just right to say, "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you, now and always. Talk to Me. Cry to Me. Trust Me."

The lessons we learn over and over...He must really want us to know.

Talk to you soon, friend.

My Heart

Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
I've been holding on
I've been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home
If you feel lost
If you feel lost
Sing along
If you feel tired
If you feel tired
Sing along
If you feel lost and tired
This is your song
I've been broken down
I've been broken down
I ain't giving up
Love will come back around
Sine Your light
Shine it down
Let Your rescue come for us, we long to love

Shine Your Light On Us
Robbie Seay Band - Give Yourself Away

Jesus, words are not enough. You see and know my heart. Shine Your light. Rescue me.

Wish I could sleep...

Why is it so difficult for brokenhearted people to admit they are hurting, for me to say I'm hurting? Why is there a need to put up a front, a facade, and declare to the world that we're fine? What impression does the tough girl image really give off anyways, that I'm strong and confident, persistent, moved by nothing and able to handle anything? If they look a little closer, won't they see right through me?

Do I think God doesn't see through it? Doesn't He know me in all of my frailty, all my weakness? Then why can't I say I need to talk to You?

I'm not sure if I'm scared He'll yell at me or be angry with me, disown me or get fed up and quit listening to me after I throw out a million excuses for why I've been just so. Part of me wishes He'd yell at me. Maybe then I'd get so upset and flustered that it'd all come spilling out and I'd say everything I need to say. Maybe then I'd feel like He actually cared, was still after me. But how often does it really work like that?

Even if we are in the same room, I can't seem to say anything, can't even look at Him. I can't look at the tears roll down His face. I'm not seeing His pain, not seeing how much His heart is broken over my broken heart. I don't see how much it hurts Him for me to think He doesn't care, to run farther and faster with that thought pushing me. He would cry with me if I let Him. He would wrap me up in His arms if I let Him. No matter how far I go, He will always welcome me home.

Maybe all I have to do is knock, look at Him when the door opens, run, and fall in His arms.

Now for the courage. It's going to be a long night.