I was reminded of something a friend said to me yesterday about being close to someone and yet being a little upset or disappointed when they don't offer you the comfort that you were looking for in a tough moment. Lots of times when I have bad days, I get really...I want to escape and hide from whatever went wrong that day, but I also want someone to listen to me, to ask me what the matter is and tell me everything's going to be okay. Sometimes I get so that I comfort myself in daydreams that someday someone will.
Tonight when I laid down across the bed, curled up under the covers and again wished that I had someone's chest to lean my head against, someone's arms to be wrapped up in, someone's tender voice to be comforted by, I was serenaded by:
When no one else knows how I feel Your love for me is proven real. When no one else cares where I've been You run to me with outstretched hands...
How amazing that He knows and hears my heart. He sees what I never would have told Him about, wouldn't think to bother Him with, and reaches to scoop me up and love on me. He is all together wonderful to me.
And You hold me in Your arms again. - Building 429
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Who Am I? - Continued
It's hard to stand on shifting sand. It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night. You can't be free if you don't reach for help. You can't love if you don't love yourself. - Natalie Grant
It's interesting when you hear or read something and see yourself in it, especially when you're just kind of drifting along. Though my favorite is the second verse of this song, most likely because victory has come, I heard myself in the first today.
I am in hiding because if anyone knew who and what I really am (which is no worse or better than what we all are: fallen, living by grace alone, striving for holiness) I would be exposed, shunned and abandoned. That fear makes it that much more difficult to say, "My name is...and I am an.../have a compulsion to.../carry around.../often think of..." What does that mean once it's spoken, deeper than the surface, more than just an admission or confession? What does that say about me?
That brings another question, a more important question, that demands an answer.
Gomer was exposed in the town square before she was bought back by her husband. And the result? "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion..."
I am strong all because of You. I stand in awe of every mountain that You move for I am changed. Yesterday is gone. I am safe from this moment on. There's no fear when the night comes round. I'm in better hands now. - Natalie Grant
I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.
It's interesting when you hear or read something and see yourself in it, especially when you're just kind of drifting along. Though my favorite is the second verse of this song, most likely because victory has come, I heard myself in the first today.
I am in hiding because if anyone knew who and what I really am (which is no worse or better than what we all are: fallen, living by grace alone, striving for holiness) I would be exposed, shunned and abandoned. That fear makes it that much more difficult to say, "My name is...and I am an.../have a compulsion to.../carry around.../often think of..." What does that mean once it's spoken, deeper than the surface, more than just an admission or confession? What does that say about me?
That brings another question, a more important question, that demands an answer.
Gomer was exposed in the town square before she was bought back by her husband. And the result? "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion..."
I am strong all because of You. I stand in awe of every mountain that You move for I am changed. Yesterday is gone. I am safe from this moment on. There's no fear when the night comes round. I'm in better hands now. - Natalie Grant
I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Who Am I? - Part 1
A friend posed this question to me: In the last few weeks, what have you been learning about who you are?
What a loaded question...
I am incredibly loved and madly pursued by God: I've been listening to Tim Keller of Redeemer Presby in NY. One of the messages I've been listening to is about how God is the true bridegroom and what that really means, just the power and intimacy of that relationship and the life-changing possibilities and potency that the understanding brings. The scripture he uses is from Hosea 3 about buying Gomer back. To me, those are tender words, that I break His heart again and again, and yet He still comes after me. When I have bad days, I often think about the future and how I don't want to have to someday explain to my husband that I had a bad day and what that led to. Often when I imagine it, he is hurt to the point of distancing himself from me. And I never argue, don't blame him for feeling that way, actually try to push him away before he has the chance to reject me. I was thinking about it one day, and realized that honestly, I'd want him to forgive me and hold me, not shut me out. That's what God does for me, everyday with everything. And I know I hurt His heart a lot, but He doesn't hurt mine in return. I heard a song last week that I thought said it very well: I am coming back 'cause You are coming after me and I surrender now (Desperation Band).
To Someone, I am precious and cherished and loved: I really saw this when I watched someone I really loved commit to loving someone who wasn't me. And I prayed for much grace and peace and wholeness and really just healing of my heart. And God really came through. I felt His arms around me during that time, and I knew He was near. It was still hard, but I made it. Thinking about it now, it kind of blows my mind that He knows how I felt about him, how there were times when I loved him more than God, and yet, when the rug was fully ripped out from under me, He was there to make sure that I didn't come tumbling down. He didn't say you wanted him, and you can have all the pain and baggage that comes with a broken heart, He didn't laugh at me and tell me that I get to suffer some more; because I asked, He answered with arms wide open, poured out so much love on me...me! Who am I, who in the world am I, that He should tend to me, especially considering how much I try to push Him away.
I am shown much grace everyday, tons of grace. None of which I deserve.
I am not defined by my past unless I let it define who I am. Which I do, a lot of days more than I'd like to admit. Which is probably why victory seems like a foreign concept in my mind.
I am on a journey, going through valleys, climbing mountains, walking through deserts and stopping at springs, all on the way to my destination.
What a loaded question...
I am incredibly loved and madly pursued by God: I've been listening to Tim Keller of Redeemer Presby in NY. One of the messages I've been listening to is about how God is the true bridegroom and what that really means, just the power and intimacy of that relationship and the life-changing possibilities and potency that the understanding brings. The scripture he uses is from Hosea 3 about buying Gomer back. To me, those are tender words, that I break His heart again and again, and yet He still comes after me. When I have bad days, I often think about the future and how I don't want to have to someday explain to my husband that I had a bad day and what that led to. Often when I imagine it, he is hurt to the point of distancing himself from me. And I never argue, don't blame him for feeling that way, actually try to push him away before he has the chance to reject me. I was thinking about it one day, and realized that honestly, I'd want him to forgive me and hold me, not shut me out. That's what God does for me, everyday with everything. And I know I hurt His heart a lot, but He doesn't hurt mine in return. I heard a song last week that I thought said it very well: I am coming back 'cause You are coming after me and I surrender now (Desperation Band).
To Someone, I am precious and cherished and loved: I really saw this when I watched someone I really loved commit to loving someone who wasn't me. And I prayed for much grace and peace and wholeness and really just healing of my heart. And God really came through. I felt His arms around me during that time, and I knew He was near. It was still hard, but I made it. Thinking about it now, it kind of blows my mind that He knows how I felt about him, how there were times when I loved him more than God, and yet, when the rug was fully ripped out from under me, He was there to make sure that I didn't come tumbling down. He didn't say you wanted him, and you can have all the pain and baggage that comes with a broken heart, He didn't laugh at me and tell me that I get to suffer some more; because I asked, He answered with arms wide open, poured out so much love on me...me! Who am I, who in the world am I, that He should tend to me, especially considering how much I try to push Him away.
I am shown much grace everyday, tons of grace. None of which I deserve.
I am not defined by my past unless I let it define who I am. Which I do, a lot of days more than I'd like to admit. Which is probably why victory seems like a foreign concept in my mind.
I am on a journey, going through valleys, climbing mountains, walking through deserts and stopping at springs, all on the way to my destination.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Think on These Things....
God never loses sight of you. He sees where you are. He even knows your name. - Dennis Raney
Do you believe He sees you? In the darkest despair or the strongest storm, the most stifling loneliness, He sees where I am. Even when others don't know, never knew, chose to forget, He knows.
What a mess I've made of my existence. But You love me even now and still I see somehow that You see the real me, hiding in my skin, broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp. There's no need to mask my frailty 'cause You see the real me. - Natalie Grant
If I can't be real with God, who in the world can I be real with? Why hide if He knows and loves me anyways? There's nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.
It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance...
Do we find in His kindness His mercy and realize that we don't deserve it, convicting us and leading us to repentance? Practiced, rehearsed repentance for show and acceptance makes genuine repentance internally questionable, more difficult, confusing, doubtful.
Oh, but I was good. - Shane and Shane
Yeah, but were you good because you felt obligated to be, or were you good because you love Me?
Do you believe He sees you? In the darkest despair or the strongest storm, the most stifling loneliness, He sees where I am. Even when others don't know, never knew, chose to forget, He knows.
What a mess I've made of my existence. But You love me even now and still I see somehow that You see the real me, hiding in my skin, broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp. There's no need to mask my frailty 'cause You see the real me. - Natalie Grant
If I can't be real with God, who in the world can I be real with? Why hide if He knows and loves me anyways? There's nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.
It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance...
Do we find in His kindness His mercy and realize that we don't deserve it, convicting us and leading us to repentance? Practiced, rehearsed repentance for show and acceptance makes genuine repentance internally questionable, more difficult, confusing, doubtful.
Oh, but I was good. - Shane and Shane
Yeah, but were you good because you felt obligated to be, or were you good because you love Me?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Honesty
Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness. Beauty for ashes, take this heart of stone and make it Yours. - Shane and Shane
My guilt, shame, disobedience, rebellion, depression, loneliness all add to the weight of my heaviness. The more I dwell on my distaste for my situation, use that as an excuse to rebel harder and run farther, am too proud or embarrassed or scared or ashamed to ask forgiveness and grace to try again, the harder, stonier and thornier my heart becomes. Now how much more difficult is it to run to my Father's arms, crawl up in His lap, cry and be truly sorry, truly repentant, truly broken over our distance, over the distance I've created between us? How can I ask to reconcile this relationship?
Could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You? - MercyMe
Relationships constantly change, some for better, some for worse, some to never exist again. Tests come again and again to strengthen, and each time failure seems emminent. The search for the treasure of contentment continues to be futile. Community has never been so lonely. Maybe then, the answer is yes.
What do you believe? What do you choose to believe at this moment? Maybe that's the answer.
But now I will take back the ripened grain and new wine I generously provided each harvest season. I will take away the wool and linen clothing I gave her to cover her nakedness. I will strip her naked in public, while all her lovers look on. No one will be able to rescue her from my hands. I will put an end to her annual festivals, her new moon celebrations, and her Sabbath days - all her appointed festivals. I will destroy her grapevines and fig trees, things she claims her lovers gave her. I will let them grow into tangled thickets, where only wild animals will eat the fruit. I will punish her for all those times when she burned incense to her images of Baal, when she put on her earrings and jewels and went out to look for her lovers but forgot all about me," says the LORD.
Ever wonder if He cares that you hurt? Ever wonder how broken your heart has to be? How lost and tired do I have to be before Love comes back around?
Oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live. - RSB
My guilt, shame, disobedience, rebellion, depression, loneliness all add to the weight of my heaviness. The more I dwell on my distaste for my situation, use that as an excuse to rebel harder and run farther, am too proud or embarrassed or scared or ashamed to ask forgiveness and grace to try again, the harder, stonier and thornier my heart becomes. Now how much more difficult is it to run to my Father's arms, crawl up in His lap, cry and be truly sorry, truly repentant, truly broken over our distance, over the distance I've created between us? How can I ask to reconcile this relationship?
Could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You? - MercyMe
Relationships constantly change, some for better, some for worse, some to never exist again. Tests come again and again to strengthen, and each time failure seems emminent. The search for the treasure of contentment continues to be futile. Community has never been so lonely. Maybe then, the answer is yes.
What do you believe? What do you choose to believe at this moment? Maybe that's the answer.
But now I will take back the ripened grain and new wine I generously provided each harvest season. I will take away the wool and linen clothing I gave her to cover her nakedness. I will strip her naked in public, while all her lovers look on. No one will be able to rescue her from my hands. I will put an end to her annual festivals, her new moon celebrations, and her Sabbath days - all her appointed festivals. I will destroy her grapevines and fig trees, things she claims her lovers gave her. I will let them grow into tangled thickets, where only wild animals will eat the fruit. I will punish her for all those times when she burned incense to her images of Baal, when she put on her earrings and jewels and went out to look for her lovers but forgot all about me," says the LORD.
Ever wonder if He cares that you hurt? Ever wonder how broken your heart has to be? How lost and tired do I have to be before Love comes back around?
Oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live. - RSB
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Listening
All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.
All of You, who God is, all of His character, all of His ability, all of His being, all of Him - love, mercy, grace, goodness, providence, holiness, peace, patience, gentleness, tenderness, honesty, reality, justice, the list could go on throughout eternity - is more than enough for all of me - my weakness, frailty, neediness, insecurities, inadequacies, dirty little secrets, worries, my junk, the desires of my heart, my loneliness, heartache, my humanness.
You satisfy me with Your love - satisfaction is found only in You, not in the friends, strangers, movies, music, books, activities, busyness, hobbies I try to fill my life with. I have searched the heights and the darkest depths; everything else leaves me wanting. And what fulfillment, what peace, what comfort and security Your love brings - to know You and be loved is enough.
And all I have in You - salvation, eternal life, peace, joy, hope - is more than enough.
If the above is true, why is it so hard to let You be more than enough, even merely enough, when that is all You want from me - my heart, all of it, to lean on You, trust You, be real with You? When You asked me to let You be more than enough, why I wouldn't let You be more than enough, I was (and today still am) so quick to say, yes, that's what I want too...but I still want x, y and z?
I'm sorry I keep trying to wriggle free from Your embrace. Jesus, rain on me with love until I drown.
I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.
All of You, who God is, all of His character, all of His ability, all of His being, all of Him - love, mercy, grace, goodness, providence, holiness, peace, patience, gentleness, tenderness, honesty, reality, justice, the list could go on throughout eternity - is more than enough for all of me - my weakness, frailty, neediness, insecurities, inadequacies, dirty little secrets, worries, my junk, the desires of my heart, my loneliness, heartache, my humanness.
You satisfy me with Your love - satisfaction is found only in You, not in the friends, strangers, movies, music, books, activities, busyness, hobbies I try to fill my life with. I have searched the heights and the darkest depths; everything else leaves me wanting. And what fulfillment, what peace, what comfort and security Your love brings - to know You and be loved is enough.
And all I have in You - salvation, eternal life, peace, joy, hope - is more than enough.
If the above is true, why is it so hard to let You be more than enough, even merely enough, when that is all You want from me - my heart, all of it, to lean on You, trust You, be real with You? When You asked me to let You be more than enough, why I wouldn't let You be more than enough, I was (and today still am) so quick to say, yes, that's what I want too...but I still want x, y and z?
I'm sorry I keep trying to wriggle free from Your embrace. Jesus, rain on me with love until I drown.
I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Unbelievable
Is it possible for your thinking to disrupt your peace? Have you ever heard God whisper, "Here it is. This is what I have for you. This is what you've been waiting for," and you respond so thankfully, so excited at first only to dwell on what you still don't have and how this is definitley not what you asked for?
It's pretty crazy to know God still wants my heart after I've slapped Him in the face yet again. I will never understand why God is so good, but I am so glad He is.
You did tell me so, didn't you?
Talk to you soon, friend.
It's pretty crazy to know God still wants my heart after I've slapped Him in the face yet again. I will never understand why God is so good, but I am so glad He is.
You did tell me so, didn't you?
Talk to you soon, friend.
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