Look Deeper

I do what I do because I believe what I believe.

Good and bad, wise and foolish - I do what I do because I believe what I believe.

Being kind, giving, patient, loving - I do what I do because I believe what I believe.

Indulging now instead of enduring satisfaction later - I do what I do because I believe what I believe.

So, what do i believe?

Where I'm Going

I've been sitting here for way too long; it's time that I was moving on... - Third Day

Sounds like "I've been sitting in hell for way too long", which I have. And as I have been more rebellious, I've become more apathetic. I've been gone so long that it seems easier to stay away...far, far away. Only a wrecking ball will make these cement walls tumble to the ground.

I've said these words so many times and been in this place for so long, I'm not sure that anything makes this confession more valid or sincere than any of the others. I see glimpses of peace and rest and beauty, and I want that. I want those things back. My heart says whatever it takes, but my mind is screaming about the things I'm giving up. What am I giving up? Shame, blame, anger, resentment, fear...What do I want? Freedom, peace, rest, joy, truth, a softened heart...

Give up on all the other things 'cause My love can bring you more. And if you take a chance on me I'll give you what you're looking for. - Third Day

Jesus, blow me out of the water with Your love. Help me to trust in You, in Your faithfulness, everyday. Whatever...it...takes. Break the things that need to be broken and heal what needs to be healed.

From a broken earth flowers come up, pushing through the dirt. - Dave Crowder

Waiting for daisies amidst the rubble...

Mighty to Save

Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save.

I have to confess, there have been times lately where I have been envious of God's work in other people's lives. I can see His answers to their prayers, and to my prayers for them, but not to their prayers for me or my prayers for me (which haven't been that frequent). It seems things are going well for them; they seem to have peace and joy; they are being productive at work; their relationships are trucking along quite well. I, however, still feel in a rut; peace seems to be the farthest thing from my plate; I smile and grimmace through work many days.

You are my God as much as theirs, aren't You? Why not me? When will it be my turn? Do You even hear me?

Sometimes I wonder if He gets tired of hearing me whine. Other times I wonder if He's waiting for me to believe just a little bit more.

In the midst of all my crap, God is moving. It's taken a few knock-down drag-outs and some tears for me to see it, but His hand is moving in my circumstances also. And despite my jealousy, above my complaining, and beyond my rebellion, He has reached down and done it again. Maybe not as fast, and maybe not the way that I'd hoped for, but He continues to rescue me.

There is hope, there is hope for my lonely soul. There is hope, there is hope to be made whole. There is life, there is life to be set free. There is life, there is life surrounding me. There is hope, there is hope for my broken heart. There is hope, there is hope for a brand new start. There is life, there is life. Give me eyes to see. There is life, there is life. You have captured me.

God has shown me in the past few weeks just how well He knows my heart and just how closely He is paying attention. Jesus, give me eyes to see.

Keep on dreamin' of the day when it all will change. Believe in the end love wins. If you're waiting for the time when your sun will shine, look above 'cause love wins. - RSB

Boomin' Out the Stereo System...

Have you thought of how many times a day God says, "I love you."

"But God, I haven't taken time for you today like I should've. I've gotten lost in myself and all the things I have to do. I haven't even spoken to You today, except now."

He answers, "I love you."

"But Abba, my thoughts have strayed from You and things of You today. I've thought ugly things, mean things about people, ungrateful things about where you've placed me."

He answers, "I love you."

"But Father, I have not been good today. I've believed the lies Satan has told me about Your lack of care for me, Your disinterest in my situation, Your power that is not at work within me. I have disobeyed you; I have rebelled and run far away from Your guidance and Your embrace."

"My child," He says, "I am coming after you. I love you."

The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. - Zephaniah 3:17

And He knows what kind of music you like.

I miss you, friend. I pray God tells you how much He loves you just as He has told me today.

No One Else

I was reminded of something a friend said to me yesterday about being close to someone and yet being a little upset or disappointed when they don't offer you the comfort that you were looking for in a tough moment. Lots of times when I have bad days, I get really...I want to escape and hide from whatever went wrong that day, but I also want someone to listen to me, to ask me what the matter is and tell me everything's going to be okay. Sometimes I get so that I comfort myself in daydreams that someday someone will.

Tonight when I laid down across the bed, curled up under the covers and again wished that I had someone's chest to lean my head against, someone's arms to be wrapped up in, someone's tender voice to be comforted by, I was serenaded by:

When no one else knows how I feel Your love for me is proven real. When no one else cares where I've been You run to me with outstretched hands...

How amazing that He knows and hears my heart. He sees what I never would have told Him about, wouldn't think to bother Him with, and reaches to scoop me up and love on me. He is all together wonderful to me.

And You hold me in Your arms again. - Building 429

Who Am I? - Continued

It's hard to stand on shifting sand. It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night. You can't be free if you don't reach for help. You can't love if you don't love yourself. - Natalie Grant

It's interesting when you hear or read something and see yourself in it, especially when you're just kind of drifting along. Though my favorite is the second verse of this song, most likely because victory has come, I heard myself in the first today.

I am in hiding because if anyone knew who and what I really am (which is no worse or better than what we all are: fallen, living by grace alone, striving for holiness) I would be exposed, shunned and abandoned. That fear makes it that much more difficult to say, "My name is...and I am an.../have a compulsion to.../carry around.../often think of..." What does that mean once it's spoken, deeper than the surface, more than just an admission or confession? What does that say about me?

That brings another question, a more important question, that demands an answer.

Gomer was exposed in the town square before she was bought back by her husband. And the result? "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion..."

I am strong all because of You. I stand in awe of every mountain that You move for I am changed. Yesterday is gone. I am safe from this moment on. There's no fear when the night comes round. I'm in better hands now. - Natalie Grant

I miss you, friend. Hope you are well. Talk to you soon.

Who Am I? - Part 1

A friend posed this question to me: In the last few weeks, what have you been learning about who you are?

What a loaded question...

I am incredibly loved and madly pursued by God: I've been listening to Tim Keller of Redeemer Presby in NY. One of the messages I've been listening to is about how God is the true bridegroom and what that really means, just the power and intimacy of that relationship and the life-changing possibilities and potency that the understanding brings. The scripture he uses is from Hosea 3 about buying Gomer back. To me, those are tender words, that I break His heart again and again, and yet He still comes after me. When I have bad days, I often think about the future and how I don't want to have to someday explain to my husband that I had a bad day and what that led to. Often when I imagine it, he is hurt to the point of distancing himself from me. And I never argue, don't blame him for feeling that way, actually try to push him away before he has the chance to reject me. I was thinking about it one day, and realized that honestly, I'd want him to forgive me and hold me, not shut me out. That's what God does for me, everyday with everything. And I know I hurt His heart a lot, but He doesn't hurt mine in return. I heard a song last week that I thought said it very well: I am coming back 'cause You are coming after me and I surrender now (Desperation Band).

To Someone, I am precious and cherished and loved: I really saw this when I watched someone I really loved commit to loving someone who wasn't me. And I prayed for much grace and peace and wholeness and really just healing of my heart. And God really came through. I felt His arms around me during that time, and I knew He was near. It was still hard, but I made it. Thinking about it now, it kind of blows my mind that He knows how I felt about him, how there were times when I loved him more than God, and yet, when the rug was fully ripped out from under me, He was there to make sure that I didn't come tumbling down. He didn't say you wanted him, and you can have all the pain and baggage that comes with a broken heart, He didn't laugh at me and tell me that I get to suffer some more; because I asked, He answered with arms wide open, poured out so much love on me...me! Who am I, who in the world am I, that He should tend to me, especially considering how much I try to push Him away.

I am shown much grace everyday, tons of grace. None of which I deserve.

I am not defined by my past unless I let it define who I am. Which I do, a lot of days more than I'd like to admit. Which is probably why victory seems like a foreign concept in my mind.

I am on a journey, going through valleys, climbing mountains, walking through deserts and stopping at springs, all on the way to my destination.